Missing YOU

I have been waking up again this morning at 5am, like so many other times,  with a mind full of thoughts and memories and no chance of switching off to get some more sleep like the rest of the house!    Always among these thoughts rushing through my over working brain, are  my wonderful children back in South Africa!   And I go about evaluating and calibrating these moments as only a person who overthinks everything will truly appreciate.  I try to construct these emotions but am not always doing as well as I would have liked! 

I have been living in Australia for 10 years now….”sure” you’ll say..it should get better after such a long time.  I am sorry to say, these feelings of longing and emotions have been crippling me, I still experience a quiver in my chest and feeling a tear well in my eyes.  We talk on a regular basis and see each other often enough but I still feel like I have walked into a vacuum…..go into autopilot and feel empty and broken inside.  I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.  Some days I feel it is all under control and all my waking moments will be totally functional and productive but whatever the trigger, I still experience the sadness enveloping my heart.

Will I ever get past this?  Probably not…thoughts, memories,  moments, love…some of them cannot be categorised.  Sometimes they just are and we just need to let them be…..I am a mother with sooooo much love in my heart for them.

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